


Bittersweet Endings

by ThatOddNerd



Series: And Those We Left Behind [8]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Death, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Post-Star Trek Beyond, Reflection, Romance, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-02
Updated: 2016-08-02
Packaged: 2018-07-28 20:47:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7656094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatOddNerd/pseuds/ThatOddNerd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>SPOILERS FOR STAR TREK: BEYOND.</p><p>Nyota lay wide awake in her room, reflecting on her friends and the torments they had been through, remembering the ones they had lost, and contemplating what is next, only to have an important talk with the person next to her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bittersweet Endings

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Seeing as I am still upset over Anton Yelchin's passing, and writing helps me cope, this ended up being partially a 'Chekov is gone and how are we dealing?' fic. I didn't intend for it to be but there you go. It's not ALL of the fic but it takes up a chunk of the first part.

* * *

 

Nyota couldn’t say why exactly she was awake so late at night. She hadn’t set any alarm. She wasn’t needed on deck for six hours yet. Nothing special had happened the day before. Nothing special was happening the next day. It wasn’t her birthday or Spock’s birthday. It wasn’t any of the crews’ birthdays. No promotions, no real special missions.

So she couldn’t say really, why she was wide awake at midnight (according to the bedside clock).

She wasn’t nervous about anything.

Or was she?

No, there was nothing to be nervous about.

Worried?

Why would she be worried? Everyone was doing alright. Well, they were doing alright now that is. Admittedly after defeating Krall, taking their leave at Yorktown, and setting out once more, everyone was in a sort of trance. They’d never been tested as heavily as they had been with that whole ordeal and she sincerely hoped they wouldn’t be again.

Of course there was…

But it had been over a month since that had happened. Not that that made it any less painful to think about.

Nobody could have seen it coming, nobody.

Of course, in a way it was the cruel irony of the universe that decided that would be what happened. Not in battle, not during a mission. On leave, at a shopping center. Saving a little Orion girl who lost control of her roller skates and was hurtling towards the railing, four stories from the ground. He leapt to block her from going over the side. She’d collided with him, hard. The floor had just been mopped…

Those railings really were too low.

She sucked in a breath at the memory of it.

He’d been in the hospital not 24 hours before he passed.

They had of course taken him home, to Russia, to be buried on his family’s estate.

A part of her believes none of them have really accepted it yet.

After everything they had been through…

She switched people to worry about in her head, the thought of her lost friend, so young, hurting her more than she could bare.

Sulu had taken Chekov’s death the hardest of the crew, and it wasn’t any wonder. He and Chekov had been very close, like brothers. Chekov had looked up to him and Sulu was constantly amazed and proud of his young colleague. To have that happen so soon after he had been so sure his husband and daughter were gone to Krall’s plans, unsure they’d make it back in time, must have been such a cruel, cruel blow. She came across him sparring with Jaylah a week after the funeral, and while Jaylah could more than hold her own, Sulu’s anger at the universe and his grief, manifested itself in an intensity she’d never seen before, as their foil swords made contact at lightning speed. Nyota could tell you the exact moment Jaylah made the choice to let him win, if only to have an excuse to get him to calm down for a second. Life hadn’t been easy for Sulu, she knew that much. He’d never gone into great detail but she’d heard stories, stories of a history of depression, his mother and brother dying when he was 12 in an accident, and, Ben had told her this, late in the evening, at the wake for Chekov in Russia, that when he was 20 and still a cadet, he had apparently been in a training accident with a friend, the system overheated, decisions were made, an explosion occurred. Hikaru made it. His friend did not. He carried the guilt of being a survivor of that freak accident with him wherever he went, even now, 13 years later, he couldn’t let it go. She could almost understand. Her heart still clenched painfully when she thought of Syl. She had failed her, brave, scared, loyal Syl. She had just wanted to help.

She moved on to Scotty. Poor Scotty with his own dose of survivor’s guilt. Jaylah had told her how determined he’d been to find everyone. How guilty he’d felt when he thought they were all gone. Scotty had lost so much himself. His family was gone, he left Scotland ages ago, before he’d even joined Starfleet. He couldn’t stay and she couldn’t blame him. Keenser had been his only companion on that frozen planet, and while Keenser was great, Nyota was sure he’d longed for more human contact. A ridiculous punishment to an admittedly ridiculous prank. Nevertheless, she knew his time isolated on that planet had done damage to his psyche. What was the ancient Earth phrase? Cabin fever. He’d gotten cabin fever in an intense way. Although, Nyota noted with a smile, Jaylah seemed rather attached to him. They had a good rhythm. Perhaps Keenser wouldn’t be the only friend Scotty had down in the bowels of the ship after all.

Kirk… if someone had told her nearly six years ago that one day she would be a loyal crew member, willing to sacrifice herself to save her captain, who was James Tiberius Kirk, she might have asked them what they were drinking and then destroy all of that alcohol. He could still be insanely insufferable, but now she thought of that aspect of him with affection…along with annoyance. He was her captain, and she’d stay loyal to him until the end. He’d more than proved himself over the years, capable of being a leader. Being their leader. She’d gotten to know him better over the years. She knew his history now, or at least some of it. She’d heard the stories about George Kirk. He was a hell of a person to live up to, and James was more like him than he thought. He may have never known his father but he was just like him. She hadn’t been surprised when he didn’t take the promotion, sometime he’d told them about later, she knew he’d never leave them. He’d always come back for them, he’d always save them or die trying. It was just part of his nature. She also knew this put a massive amount of stress on him. She could see it in his eyes during the before, during, and after the whole incident. She could understand why he wanted to leave, but she was glad he didn’t.

 McCoy had his own set of problems. A nasty divorce, joining Starfleet out of desperation, spending all his days constantly worrying, more so than the rest of them, about whether or not they would come back from a mission alive. Worrying he wouldn’t be able to save them if they came to his med bay. He’d never forgive himself, she knew, if any of them had died in his care. He was gruff on the outside, but he had the biggest heart of them all. He was the one constantly monitoring all of them. His friends. His family. He’d lost people before on the surgery table and it had been heartbreaking to witness. He’d felt an intensity of the universe and his place in it, the people that mattered to him, the reality of his life, while stuck on that planet, trying to keep Spock alive while keeping himself alive as well and trying to find help all at the same time. He’d confided in Uhura, the day of Jim’s birthday party, drunk off his sixth glass of Scotch, that his panic over Spock’s life, the fact that he’d been so close to death so often, had been intense. He hadn’t come to terms until then with how much he actually cared about his Vulcan colleague.

“But don’t…don’ you dare tell that Bul..that Vulcan bastard…shit sorry…wait aren’t you…but you’re back together. Sorry. Sorrrry.” He slurred after telling her. Nyota had laughed and rolled her eyes, telling him not to worry before going off to find Spock.

And then there was Spock…

Bullied as a child on Vulcan for being half human. Stared at and avoided on Earth for being half Vulcan. Constantly hearing about his ‘lesser half’, criticisms of his mother. Lost her  and his home planet in the same day. Most of his race gone. Getting to know and then losing Spock Prime. Feeling the strong intensity of his own mortality in a way none of them could ever know. While she was still hurt, she could understand, after he had fully explained why he’d said what he did, his want to help his people. Which is why, when he decided against it, decided to stay with the crew, with her, she knew it was  big decision, and she knew it was a testament to his loyalty and love of them all that he stayed.  

Especially her.

“I can, to use the phrase you are so fond of, hear you thinking.” Nyota started and turned her head to the person laying beside her, his back still turned to her, but now wide awake.

“Well to be fair, we are mind melded, the phrase can be used literally.” Nyota quipped, smiling. “I didn’t wake you did I?”

“No.” Spock rolled over to face her, taking one of her hands in his and entwining their fingers. “I had a dream…about my mother.”

“Good or bad?” Nyota moved closer, now only a few inches away, and looked at him expectantly.

“To be honest…I am not sure.” Spock admitted, and through their meld she knew this was a truth. “I dreamed that she had survived. That she was at Yorktown and visited with us while we were on leave. She lectured me for taking risks. You told her about the…volcano incident.” Her heart still clenched a bit at the memory, remembering how fast her heart beat when she thought he was for sure gone, not being able to sense him through their meld. It had been terrifying.

“And what did she say?”

“She gave me a disproving look and asked you for details. I was…very embarrassed.” Nyota let out another laugh, her head tilting backwards in her mirth, and she felt his mind lighten as well.

“I guess that sounds…bittersweet.” At her boyfriend’s inquisitive eyebrow, she smiled and rolled her eyes.  “It’s in reference to food, like chocolate. Bittersweet chocolate is good, it’s chocolate, it’s sweet so you can be happy, but it still has the bite of being bitter, which can be bad. So when you have a situation that ends well but has consequences…”

“It is bittersweet.” Spock finished, his gaze intense as always, flitting around the features of her face, as if studying an ancient text. She still  felt a swoop of excitement and anticipation at that look, even after 5 years together. She nodded, realizing she hadn’t responded to his implied inquiry on the correct use of the word.

“Did she say anything else in your dream?” Nyota asked, curious as to what the image Spock had of his mother was, even now, three years after her death.

Three years. He’d lost his mother three years ago. She felt another pang of guilt and sadness for the man she loved so dearly.

She felt his fingers, entwined with hers on the bed, tighten a bit and remembered, right, he knew she was feeling what she did.

“Well…she…” in the darkness of their bunk she couldn’t actually tell, but she could have sworn, from the tone of his voice and the sudden wave of embarrassment, the kind a child could only feel from a parent, pass over him, that he was blushing. What she wouldn’t give to turn the light on now and see the faint green tinge on his cheeks and ears. But she knew that would make him clam up.

“She…?” Nyota encouraged.

“She inquired as to when she…when she would be…” She hadn’t seen him this flustered in years, and was greatly anticipating what could make her love be so inarticulate. “She inquired as to when she was going to get a grandchild.” It was Nyota’s turn to feel the blush creep up her neck, all the way to her ears.

“Well…I mean any mother would be…that’s a common inquiry of a human mother to her children when they are of an age and with a long term partner so…”

“Your mother has not asked you such a question.” Spock reminded her.

 Or so he thought.

“Wait…” Spock began, sensing the change in her thoughts, the embarrassment deepening. “Has she?”

“I…I had a holo-call with her last week.” Nyota began, suddenly very self-conscious. “And  she asked…she asked how we were doing and I told her we were doing fine now, thanks for asking, and then she asked what I saw happening with the two of us, how long we would stay together. I told her I had no plans of ever leaving you, and you had no plans to leave me either now. And then she…then she asked about whether or not those plans…involved children.” The air was so thick she was sure you could have cut it with Sulu’s retractable sword, and her cheeks were now on fire. But then she felt a wave of love, surprise, and peace flow over her and she moved a little closer, out of instinct, to the man next to her. “Say something?”

“You…have no plans to ever leave me?” If anyone else, anyone not so intimately close to Spock, were to hear how he spoke, they would have thought him ill. It did not follow the usual, logical, stern, sometimes cold words and speech patterns he entailed with most people in his day to day life. But to her, to Nyota, this was the side she’d always known of him, this was the side she knew was more true to his heart. People often forget that Vulcans feel things more deeply and intensely than humans did. The logic and stone face was a façade, a successful attempt to push down these emotions in order to function. But Spock, partially due to his half human blood, showed his emotions on his sleeve when pressed.

Or around someone he was intimately involved with.

“Yes k’diwa, I have no plans to ever leave you. I’m sorry, but you’re stuck with me.” Nyota teased. Spock closed the gap between them, and Nyota used her free arm to wrap around his neck, holding him close. “This surprises you.”

“Given our recent…separation, I had thought there was the possibility that you may, in the future, change your mind about being with me, yes.” Spock admitted, and she felt her heart break all over again, even though she knew that would be the answer.

“I’m not saying it’ll be easy k’diwa, it won’t. But I think our relationship is worth it, do you not agree?”

“Yes.” Spock answered quicker than she’d ever known, and she felt warmth in herself and through him.

“Good.” Nyota replied. “As to the grandchildren for my parents and your father…”

“I do hope you do not consider the words of my mother in a dream to be taken too seriously…”Spock began, only to be shushed.

“What I would say is…”Nyota thought of her words carefully, knowing this would have a rather large impact on both their lives. “…while it is not currently in my plans to be a mother, nor I am sure, even with your recent want to procreate…” Spock groaned in embarrassment, and made her laugh. “…despite all that, neither of us are ready or wanting. But I won’t say never either. Maybe. For me it’s a maybe.”

“Me as well.” Spock agreed, and Nyota felt another swoop in her stomach. He had that effect on her to be sure.

“So…how about we find a way to fall asleep now that we are both awake?” Nyota’s tone was cloyingly sweet, her words could be taken innocently by many, but the man next to her knew her all too well. With an arched eyebrow and a smirk, he barely reacted when she moved to sit on top of him, her outline barely visible in the dim light coming from their en-suite.

“Quite.”

 

The End.


End file.
